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Bacon

by Bonecage

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1.
Oh shit What I say when I lose my keys What I scream when I’m stung by bees When I break a statue’s penis, like Chunk from the Goonies says Oh shit what What I yell when I stub my toe How I feel when the weekend’s over When I’m stuck in the Fratelli’s basement, like Chunk from the Goonies says Oh shit what When the dog pukes on the rug When I’m running and I swallow a bug When I gotta do the truffle shuffle, like Chunk from the Goonies says Oh shit what When I’m hungry and I got no food Then I stumble on a Baby Ruth And I find a pint of Rocky Road, like Chunk from the Goonies says Oh shit what I’m just a Chunk in a world that won’t love me Hawaiian shirts and a best friend named Sloth Trapped in a basement with evil Fratellis Biding my time while I’m singing my song Oh shit I’m just a Chunk in a world that won’t love me Hawaiian shirts and a best friend named Sloth Trapped in a basement with evil Fratellis Biding my time while I’m singing my song
2.
Hello scary homeless guy on the corner Here’s a couple quarters please don’t touch my car Here’s an extra sandwich for your mangy little dog If you’re here tomorrow I’ll probably call the cops Hello stinky hippie man on the subway Smelling like patchouli I got you a gift It’s a bottle of shampoo and some khakis for your kids Maybe they won’t all grow up like you It feels so good to give back to the community I live in Charity is my middle name Well actually it’s Topher But with a little help from me I can make all of these dirty stinky helpless people clean Sent $20 to the hungry kids in the Congo I’ve done everything I can now the rest is up to them Maybe consider investing in a long-term savings plans Feels good to be such a thoughtful caring me I bought a bunch of wheelchairs for all the cripples I sent a bunch of helmets out to the local funny farm Cause I don’t wanna live in a world where the cripples and the crazies aren’t properly cared for Maybe now they’ll help me mow my lawn It feels so good to give back to the people all around me Compassion is a virtue and I got it by the assload And with a little help from me I can make all of these dirty stinkin godless people see Helping out the poor is fun You can treat em all like pets And you can write it off on your taxes anyway I got plenty of dough for everyone cause daddy had a hedge fund And helping out the poor is lots of fun Helping out the poor is fun Even though they smell like fish And they don’t understand the working of our economic system So they slave away from 9 to 5 while I’m off drinking Mai Ties And helping out the poor is lots of fun
3.
How I Care 02:21
I love you, I love you, I love you Did I mention I love you I’ve always loved you and I think I always will To show you how much I care I made you a necklace out of pieces of human hair That I collected from all of the girls that I thought that I loved before I need you, I need you, I need you Never deceive you And I’ll never leave you no matter what you say To show you my love will last I wrote you this poem and carved it into my back And now its infected but its ok the pain just reminds me of how you Smell like love and pigeon heads I’m crazy, I’m crazy, I’m crazy Did you know that I’m crazy I’m crazy about you and crazy for blood Please could you not pay attention to Anything else that I say cause I forgot to take All my medicine now all I’m thinking about Is the harvesting of hum an toenails and making a Full-scale replica of John C. Reilly’s face
4.
One day I was sleeping outside When a little worm crawled in my ear And latched onto my frontal cortex And paralyzed my mind Then I started doing real douche things Like calling everybody chief And wearing too much Axe Effect And taking off my shirt But it’s not my fault the worm controls me It’s an attack Attack of the doucheworm Somewhere deep inside my brain and I’ll never be the same I got attacked Attacked by the doucheworm I don’t wanna be this way Someone help me find a way To unpop all my collars once again Now my closet’s filled with only skinny jeans and Affliction tees And I started going to Zoomba class and watching Jersey Shore And I put a spoiler on my car even though my car’s a giant piece of shit The worm told me that chicks dig spoilers and I must obey the worm My hair’s all slick this worm’s a dick It’s an attack Attack of the doucheworm Somewhere deep inside my brain and I’ll never be the same I got attacked Attacked by the doucheworm I don’t wanna be this way Someone help me find a way To unpop all my collars once again When I’m walkin down the street I wanna stop and tell all the people I meet Im sorry for the way I strut it and make em all look bad Cause my junk is freshly manscaped in the shape of a heart Don’t act like you’re not impressed I got tickets for you (tickets for what) To the guns show and you’re a VIP Let me introduce you to my worm It’s an attack Attack of the doucheworm Somewhere deep inside my brain and I’ll never be the same I got attacked Attacked by the doucheworm I don’t wanna be this way Someone help me find a way To unpop all my collars once again
5.
Since you left me I’ve been doing ok I got blackout drunk Cried until I puked And pissed in my parents’ sock drawer Every day so much better than the last Yesterday I bought a new shirt Today maybe a gun I’m so happy Happiest song ever made Think I’ll go out for some ice cream And I don’t even wanna die I’m happy Happiest song ever made Drowning in an ocean of joy Full of puppies and kittens and pain Saw you at the mall You were grinning ear to ear (why you so happy) I’m so glad to see you’re happy without me I hope you’re killed by bees (laughter) just kidding I would never wish for that (don’t get killed by bees) Cause if you’re killed by bees Then you could never see How much you mean to me and come back home and make me happy I’m so happy Happiest song ever made Maybe I’ll go to a movie And hopefully choke on some popcorn and die I’m happy Happiest song ever made And I don’t wanna die Well I kinda wanna die I really wanna die, die, die, die Hey brain (what) What should I do (do about what) Do about all these voices that are talking to me (maybe you should listen to them) But they tell me bad thing (bad things are in the eye of the beholder, that’s you) That’s me And I’m happy (super happy now) The voices tell me what to do Not you And they tell me I don’t need you anymore I’m so happy Happiest song ever made Maybe I’ll crochet a sweater And after the sweater I’ll crochet a noose
6.
Dear God 03:08
Hey God it’s been a while since I talked to you And I know I probably don’t deserve it But I got a couple things to ask you But I’m not the best with words I guess you already know So I wrote you a letter and it goes Dear God My neighbor is an asshole Could you end his life Dear God My kid’s no good at baseball Could you make him more like me Dear god I don’t ask for very much I just want a new hot tub Dear God, dear God, dear God Hey God here’s the story I was drinking down at the bar When a hot little lass with a tattoo on her ass Invited me to the car And yea I admit things might have got a little out of hand But I didn’t mean to kill her God I could sure use a miracle now Dear God Could you help me hide this hooker I can’t go to jail Dear God You’d think I’d get a little slack cause it’s only the third one I’ve killed this week Dear God I won’t tell you how to work but why you gotta make em so fragile Dear God, dear God, dear God Well god alright I’m thinking this might Be a huge waste of time and I’m better off praying to Somebody else who listens so I say Tom Hanks Can I be in your new movie I’m your biggest fan No thanks I don’t need your agent’s number I’ll just take your home address Tom Hanks Maybe I’ll visit you at night When your family’s all asleep
7.
Your ugly baby haunts my dreams Every time I close my eyes I see Ugly baby And I may sound a bit obscene But I don’t trust your baby Ugly baby Deep inside your baby’s eyes there’s evil Evil baby trying to kill me with it eyes And I’m just trying to keep it cool cause I know your baby smells fear I may be young but I’m not a fool It’s him or me that’s how it’s gotta be I was happy I was safe That was all before I met Ugly baby Misshapen head and pointy teeth And now he’s trying to eat my sould Hungry baby Ugly baby trying to eat my soul He’s never gonna let me go I have no other choice I gotta fight your baby I don’t wanna fight your baby but I don’t wanna die And if it comes down to him or me I’m gonna fight that baby And I’ll save the world from the evil babyyou spawned It’s not your fault, not your fault, not your fault You had an ugly baby Your ugly baby took my life and swallowed me up whole Ugly baby He keeps the souls of all his conquered foes deep inside Ugly baby
8.
Oh do you remember Well I was only 15 Never ever had breakfast before Oh bacon you touched me How I had never been touched Now I’ll never be touched how you touched me like you did I love you bacon I wanna hold you I wanna kiss you I wanna put you in my mouth I love you bacon You’re the only one for me Please don’t blow my heart up when we’re older Oh I got a problem Because I love you bacon but I don’t think you feel the same way Oh how can I trust you Because you’re going round town filling everyone’s mouth with your tasty bacon juice But I still love you bacon I wanna hold you I wanna kiss you I wanna put you in my mouth I love you bacon You’re the only one for me Please don’t blow my heart up when we’re Old and grey and all out stories Revolve around out childhood glories You’ll still be the king of all the breakfast meats And when it’s time to make some lovin’ Even though my looks are fading You’ll be nice and tell me that my ass still looks pretty good I love you bacon I wanna hold you I wanna kiss you I wanna put you in my mouth I love you bacon You’re the only one for me Please don’t blow my heart up when we’re older I still love you bacon I wanna hold you I wanna kiss you I wanna put you in my mouth I love you bacon You’re the only one for me Please don’t blow my heart up when we’re older
9.
It’s been a long time It’s been such a very long time Since I killed a man for fun And it’s a cold night It’s such a very cold night For all my prisoners in the basement Please believe me when I tell you I don’t know what voice is real And I don’t know what year it is And I’s still trying to figure out my brain Maybe you’ll help me It’s been a hard fight It’s been such a very hard fight To capture people in my van And it’s a good sign It’s such a very good sign You put the lotion in the basket Ladies could you keep it down I’m so worn out from knitting hats Of human skin and wearing high heels and All your screaming makes it hard to sleep Thanks for listening Lady in the pit Can you help me be a better man Could you maybe lend a helping hand Before I feed you to my pigs in just a bit You’re so much more than just my captive You’re a friend Lady in the pit I was alone but now you’re with me Well not technically with me Cause you’re in the pit for just a bit Someday I’ll hoist you in my bucket And I’ll never find another girl like you Lady in the pit
10.
I don’t eat chicken I don’t eat fish I don’t eat bread And I never eat cheese The only thing that goes in me Is dairy, carbo, sulfate, gluten free And it better roam free And I don’t want it cooked And I don’t care about its sexual preference Or the color of its skin Cause beauty lies within All I wanna eat Is raw gay panda meat The only thing I need Gimme that raw gay panda meat It’s really very simple You’re only as good as what you eat My body is a temple And this temple runs on panda meat Raw gay panda meat Karma is a bitch Even for a homosexual panda And my chakras all align Every time I dine All I wanna eat Is raw gay panda meat The only thing I need Gimme that raw gay panda meat What you wanna eat Panda meat What kind of panda meat Gay panda meat How you want it cooked I don’t want it cooked Say what, say what Raw gay panda meat All I wanna eat Is raw gay panda meat The only thing I need Gimme that raw gay panda meat
11.
Right now it’s difficult to talk to you I find it very hard to look you in the eyes And I can’t seem to make this work no matter how I try Don’t ask me why If you ask me why then I’ll say Hey now what’s that thing on your face Is that some kind of tumor It sorta freaks me out It might be infected You should probably go to a place that checks that kind of thing Before it’s too late and it swallows up your head And starts to incubate And little tiny aliens come out It doesn’t look too great In fact it’s pretty bad I think it’s moving now I’m pretty sure I saw it move I know I probably sound like an asshole But that thing looks hungry and I don’t wanna die And I’m hypnotized by your extra eye And now I can’t escape or loo away Again I say to you Hey now what’s that thing on your face Is that some kind of tumor It sorta freaks me out It might be infected You should probably go to a place that checks that kind of thing Would it be ok if I named your face baby Quato And if so can we go to Mars and give the people air Just me and you and little you And you can call me Quaid but I’m afraid Still I’ll say to you Hey now what’s that thing on your face Is that some kind of tumor It sorta freaks me out It might be infected You should probably go to a place that checks that kind of thing (little tiny baby in the middle of your forehead) Hey now what’s that thing on your face Is that some kind of tumor It sorta freaks me out It might be infected You should probably go to a place that checks that kind of thing
12.
Gonna walk from side to side And then I'll kick some people in the face And I'll save my girlfriend from being raped That would be great When I think I killed them all Out from the wall will pop my evil twin And he will laugh and we will fight And I will win or die Then when I get bored Mom will go to store Bring me home a new video game Now I'm playing mega man It’s pretty fun I like the suit and gun But it’s getting way too hard And so I quit (impossible game) Now it’s back to whuppin ass And all these gangs are gonna feel my wrath When I smash them with a whip I stole a whip From Linda But I still get bored So I go outside Kick my best friend Todd in the face
13.
Look at that majestic rock Look at those majestic trees and stuff Everything is so majestic when you’re a sensitive guy Magical rain from above All the little drops of water sing a melody of love Cause everything is so melodic when you’re a sensitive guy And everything is so hypnotic when you’re a sensitive guy Sensitive Guy And I empathize with you Sensitive Guy And I get all choked up whenever I see babies Sensitive Guy And though I’ll never be as feminine as you I’d like to try Cause I’m a sensitive guy I’m a sensitive guy Look at my magenta scarf Brooding in my cool fedora hat Mysterious and dark Everything is so serious when you’re a sensitive guy Cause every day is so mysterious when you’re a sensitive guy Sensitive Guy And I empathize with you Sensitive Guy And I get so worked up when I watch the Notebook Sensitive Guy And though I’ll never know the pain of child birth I’d like to try Cause I’m a sensitive guy I’m a sensitive guy Sensitive Guy And I empathize with you Sensitive Guy And I’m so civilized plus I own 3 cats Sensitive Guy And I know a man like me could never satisfy but I’d like to try Cause I’m a sensitive guy I’m a sensitive guy

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released November 24, 2012

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Bonecage Austin, Texas

The man, the myth, the legend... I write songs about my grandma, homemade vaginas and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

Weird Al Yankovic, Jonathan Coulton, Tenacious D... probably all better than me BUT, if you like that style, you might just love me.

My songs encompasses a range of genres from Pop-Punk to Motown to Adult Contemporary. A little something for everyone, and it's all ridiculous.
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