Fish Food

by Bonecage

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    If you are one of the thoughtful few to pre-order "Fish Food", I will personally email you a "serious" song I wrote that didn't make the cut on the album. It will not be released again, and you will likely be one of the only people to ever hear it. It is a song about Luigi and the crushing sadness he endures because he is unable to make it work with Daisy. You'll probably cry... from pain.

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about

The 2nd full-length album by Bonecage, "Fish Food" delves into the important subjects of Arnold Schwarzenegger films, artisan-crafted artificial vaginas, your grandma (and my grandma... EVERYBODY'S GRANDMA). Plus, there's a sweet shark on the cover.

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released April 1, 2014

Special thanks to Samuel Johnson for the cover art and Brian Redban for co-writing "Olive Garden Butthole".

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about

Bonecage Austin, Texas

The man, the myth, the legend... I write songs about my grandma, homemade vaginas and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

Weird Al Yankovic, Jonathan Coulton, Tenacious D... probably all better than me BUT, if you like that style, you might just love me.

My songs encompasses a range of genres from Pop-Punk to Motown to Adult Contemporary. A little something for everyone, and it's all ridiculous.
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Track Name: Grandma's House
Grab my toys
Grab my shoes
Don't forget my apple juice
I'm going to grandma's house

Grandma's house is pretty cool
If you like to play backgammon
Yea, they got it out the butthole

I just can't wait for grandma's house
They have Monopoly and PBS
Building a wiener out of play dough

Welcome to grandma's house
Where all the milk is warm and all the hugs go on just a little bit too long
And grandpa says "Stay the fuck off the furniture you goddamn heathens"
Oh yea
Having so much fun at grandma's house

Every visit grandpa says
Stay the fuck out of his shed
There's rusty nails and broken glass in there
So I climb an apple tree
But grandma says that's not for me
It's for the big kids
What the hell else can I do?

I can't play with anything at grandma's house
Can't touch the cookie jar or grandpa's teeth
So I play with rubber bands in the junk drawer

Welcome to grandma's house
You better take your shoes off at the door
Cause grandpa gets flashbacks from Korea
And he's not fucking around anymore
But grandma loves you
She makes you cookies and shit
Oh yea
Having so much fun at grandma's house

Grandma knows how to boogie on down
Grandma, show us how to boogie on down
First you step to the left
Then you step to the right
Then you fart real quiet
And you blame it on grandpa
Then you sew, sew, sew that fucking quilt
For your other grandkids
But you know, know, know that you don't love them as much as me

Grandpa knows how to boogie on down
Grandpa, show us how to boogie on down
First you...
(noises)

And during out dinner, we watch TV
They turn it to Family Feud and Jeopardy
Can't wait to come back again tomorrow

Welcome to grandma's house
This time is better than the last time that you came cause now
Your grandma knows your name and favorite candy
And grandpa's upstairs taking a nap
Cause he's sleepy from the guldurn yard work
Oh yea
Having so much fun at grandma's house
Track Name: Bear Attack! (Suspicious Minds)
I'm caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Literally a bear trap baby

Don't you know that

The pain is extreme
My leg's turning green
I'm not sure if can escape

Oh why did I go walking
In the woods alone
I think my leg's infected
I can see the bone

So with a stick and a rock
I try to hack it off
And pack the wound with grass and peat moss

Don't you know I'm

Crawling on my knees
While I excessively bleed
I think about my wife and children

I pray to God for mercy
And pass out in a cave
When I regain my sense
A bear is eating my face

Clawing and chewing my eyes
Oh god please just let me die
He seems to be taking his time
And that's when I remember
The knife in my boot

I unsheeth my blade
And stab it at his face
When he recoils that's my chance to run

Sprinting through the night
Blind and blood filled eyes
Survival instinct leads me back to camp

But don't you know that

While I was trapped
The bears all attacked
And murdered all my friends and family

Everywhere there's

Intestines and brains
Ripped arms and legs
Eviscerated chunks of human flesh

Oh Jesus why
Did they have to die
We'll I guess there's only one way out for me
Track Name: Oh What a Day
Oh what a day I've had
What a very special day I've had
Oh what a very special day I've had

I smoked some crack in Chipotle
Then I beat off in the restroom
Oh what a very special day I've had

And I'm high on life
And I'm high on spray paint fumes
Hello spider demon with a penis-shaped balloon hat
Where's my pants?
Donde estan mis pantalones por favor?
I'd like some more please

Oh what a day I've had
What a very special day I've had
Oh what a very special day I've had

I did some meth with my best friend Ray
Then threw my feces at his face
Yea buddy what a special day I've had

And I made some cash selling nick nacks at the pawn shop
And I didn't even buy a tranny hooker with a mustache
No sir ri
That wasn't me
Oh wait a second, yes it was
Shout out to Dwayne

Oh what a day I've had
What a very special day I've had
Oh what a very special day I've had

I killed a man for fifteen bucks
Then chopped him up and threw him in the river
What a special day I've had

And I watched cartoons
Whacked out on PCP
All the Care Bears and the Smurfs were having interracial orgies
Then Alf appeared and took a giant hairy crap on everyone
I'm having so much fun

Oh what a day I've had
What a very special day I've had
Oh what a very special day I've had
Track Name: Keep Going (STOP!)
Oh yeah
You're a sexy woman
And I know what it takes to keep a sexy woman happy
I'm gonna show you I care I'm gonna shave my balls and take you out to Denny's
We're gonna get a Grand Slam
We're gonna get a Grand Slam
We're gonna get a Grand Slam
And then we're going back to my place

Keep going
Don't stop
Keep going
Keep doing what you're doing now
Feels good and you're hot
Uh oh baby please slow down
Baseball, dead dogs, diarrhea
And my grandma in her panties
Oh shit, too late
I premature ejaculate

Oh yea, you're a sexy woman
But it's so hard to last when your ass is getting crazy
You gotta slow, slow it down
Take it easy baby, we can work together
Give me one more chance
Give me one more chance
Give me one more chance
I promise I'll do better

Keep going
Don't stop
Keep going
Keep doing what you're doing now
Feels good and you're hot
Uh oh baby please slow down
Baseball, dead dogs, diarrhea
And my grandma in her panties
Oh shit, too late
I premature ejaculate

Oh damn
There I go again
As soon as I poke it I choke and then I blow a load again
I'm use to boning all the fatties with a knobby knees
Give em all my love and then give em leftover Applebees
It took me all damn night to get you in the sack
But now you're here I'm 5 seconds from a uhn splat
God damn! You're a sexy girl
Oh man! This is gonna hurt my pride
Caught me by suprise when I see your sexy eyes get a funny feeling deep inside
You got a big round ass and I can't handle it
I'm begging you please please please can we go again
Uhn yeah! I'm gonna try real hard!
Uhn yeah! I'm gonna think of real nasty shit!
Like boogers and Gary Busey, bloody scabs in a poop stew make me feel loosey goosey
And now I'm ready to give it another try it's time pull it together now or never cause it's do or die
Never gonna let up
Never gonna give in
Never gonna another girl like you again

Keep going
Don't stop
Keep going
Keep doing what you're doing now
Feels good and you're hot
Uh oh baby please slow down
Baseball, dead dogs, diarrhea
And my grandma in her panties
Oh shit, too late
I premature ejaculate
Track Name: Nathan the Predator
Hi I'm Nathan, it's so nice to meet you
I really like your shoes
I guess I should probably kill you now
But I'm really not in the mood
Cause depression gets the best of the worst of us
Even dreadlock'd monsters like me
And if you were familiar with anthropod-like features
You'd know that I was really having a hard time being
The guy who kills humans in the jungle for sport
And keeps decapitated skulls in a tree

My vision's based on heat so I wish that you could see things through my eyes
You would know that I have warmth inside my heart
And I hang out in the trees because nobody seems to like me
If you shoot me I will bleed, even though it might be a little bit green
And everyone stop blaming me for all these goddamn bodies in the trees
Cause that's not me
I'm Nathan, you can call me Predator

I can turn invisible
But I can't make you see
That behind my metal mask and grotesque mandibles
I'm really trying to smile here
And I ripped off your arms but you tore out my heart With your cruel, insensitive words

My vision's based on heat so I wish that you could see things through my eyes
You would know that I have warmth inside my heart
And I hang out in the trees because nobody seems to like me
If you shoot me I will bleed, even though it might be a little bit green
And everyone stop blaming me for all these goddamn bodies in the trees
Cause that's not me
I'm Nathan, you can call me Predator

And I'm sorry I killed you friends
And I'm sorry I blew that island up
And I'm sorry I killed Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura
Can we make up?

My vision's based on heat so I wish that you could see things through my eyes
You would know that I have warmth inside my heart
And I hang out in the trees because nobody seems to like me
If you shoot me I will bleed, even though it might be a little bit green
And everyone stop blaming me for all these goddamn bodies in the trees
Cause that's not me
I'm Nathan
Track Name: Belly Button (Nature's Pocket)
You had a rough night and so you decide
To buy a cup of Joe before work
But when you arrive, you're unhappy to find
Your money's just a little bit short

Noone expects you to find 20 cents in your belly button
Once short on change now you're making it rain from your belly button
Blessed with an innie
A pocket for pennies
And nickles and quarters and dimes
Oh I'm so glad you're mine

Time to go home and I'm walking alone
So I take a shortcut through the park
What's this I see, a dog staring at me
And his red eyes piercing the dark

I'm fighting this hound while I'm digging around in my belly button
What a relief, for a pound of raw beef in my belly button
Now we're best friend, and he's licking my chin
And he's letting me go for a ride
Oh I'm so glad you're mine

Belly button
Ooo, ooo
Belly, belly, I love you

North of your waste is a magical place
And the belly button's what it's name is
Digging around, well you may be astounded
By the treasures hiding within

Two week old mints or a big piece of lint in your belly button
Bits of eclair or a curly black hair in your belly button
So if you are able, start probing your navel
You never know quite what you'll find
Hiding deep inside your belly button

Ooo, ooo
Belly, belly, I love you

Belly button
Ooo, ooo
Belly, belly, I love you
Track Name: No Mas Mermaids
Hey ya there now Ariel
I really dig those seashells on your boobies
Can I give you a back massage?
Maybe then I could take you to a movie
And if I play my cards right
Maybe I'll get sweet fish love tonight
Alright alright
But nobody told me

You can't sex up a mermaid
Woah-oh-ee-oh-ee-oh
Mermaids just aren't built for having sex with human beings
I wish I woulda known that
I coulda saved myself a trip to the bottom of the ocean
What a silly notion
Having sex with a Mermaid

I'm a man and you're a fish
It's ok I just wish things were different
We'd buy a house with a fence and a yard
Get a dog and we'd try real hard
To make it all work out
And we'd live the good life
And make some babies when the time was right
But it'll never be right
Cause it's wrong to breed manphibians

You can't sex up a mermaid
Woah-oh-ee-oh-ee-oh
Mermaids just aren't built for having sex with human beings
I wish I woulda known that
I coulda saved myself a trip to the bottom of the ocean
What a silly notion
Having sex with a Mermaid

All this love I feel inside
All this pain I cannot hide
Cause I can't find your vagina

It'll never work between us baby
We come from two different worlds, you and me
You live in the ocean
Got fins and crabs for friends
And I'm just a well-endowed man who writes incredible music

You can't sex up a mermaid
You can't sex up a mermaid, in the ghetto
You can't sex up a mermaid, in the ghetto
Track Name: Charlie Loves You
Hey Sure, I'm Charlie
I couldn't help but see you sitting here alone
Hey Sure, can I call you?
Maybe we can plan our lives together on the telephone

Hey Sure, it's Charlie again
I guess you must have forgot my number
You said you'd call, but you never did
And that was three days ago
And I've been sittin' round in my underwear thinking of you
And eatin' Doritos
Call me whenever you can

Hey Sue, whatcha doin? How you been?
This is Charlie. I met you at the bar,
Hey Sue, I really miss you
I tried to call you every day
I guess I'll give it one more try

Hey Sure, it's Charlie again
I guess you must not have got my message
I've been waiting by the telephone since
Six days ago
And I made you a brand new fancy necklace out of cat bones
You better come get it
Can't wait to see you again
Call me whenever you can

Ooo, ooo, ooo be my girlfriend
We can get chinese food
And I'll show you my collection
Of baby doll arms and Star Wars figurines
And I promise not to kill you in your sleep
Track Name: Makeshift Vagina
Living as a teenage boy is lame
Hormones raging every single day
And the girls everywhere always whipping their hair
And smelling good and toying with my heart
The only thing I think about is sex
It's turning me all stupid and obsessed
And I failed science class and I'm shitty at math
But I'm McGyver when it comes to beating off

And I've got a makeshift vagina cause I'm
15 and lonely and the only willing partner I can find
Is a latex rubber glove stuffed inside a rolled up sock
Wedged underneath the mattress of my bed

Penis you're a blessing and a curse
I'll need you if I ever find a girl
But you're also a pain cause you try to escape
And put yourself in every hole on Earth
God I really need a girl to hold
Tired of boning toilet paper rolls
But the goal seems to be an impossible dream
Until achieved I guess I'll have to live

With my makeshift vagina cause I'm
15 and lonely and the only willing partner I can find
Is an unwashed purple thong and a picture of your mom
Stapled to a rotten piece of fruit

And I've got a makeshift vagina cause I'm
15 and lonely and the only willing partner I can find
Is my cold and tingly hand that I choke with a rubber band
It helps me to pretend
Makeshift vagina
Track Name: Benny's Song (Five Kids to Feed)
Well here I am just livin on Mars tryin to make end meet for my family of insect mutant children.
I got a little place in Sector R right down the street from a shopping mall and that bar where the girl with three boobs works.
But money's tight, and times are hard for the working man.
And talk is cheap, and you know oxygen ain't free.

And I've got five kids to feed.
Workin' on a cab drivin' salary.
Some may say I'm evil, but I think
The end justifies the means.
And Benny JR. one through five would parish without me.
I've got five kids to feed.

And it gets hard to pay your rent and electric bills with the Benny (doh!) cabs taking all our jerbs.
So I turn to a life of crime. You know I don't like it, but Cohagen helps me keep the little ones in private school.
And I don't owe you anything. I don't even know your name.
And I don't care if it's Hauser or it's Quaid.

Cause I've got five kids to feed.
Workin' on a cab drivin' salary.
Some may say I'm evil, but I think
The end justifies the means.
Help me find this Kuato guy, and I would sure be pleased.
I've got five kids to feed.

It comes down to you or them.
And their my family.
And your some guy that I just met.
You don't know me.
And I'm gonna drill you sucker.
You'll rue the day when you told yourself, hey self you said. Get your ass to Mars.

I've got five kids to feed.
Workin' on a cab drivin' salary.
Some may say I'm evil, but I think
The end justifies the means.
And oh hey, did I mention Quaid, I ain't even married?
Five kids to feed.
Track Name: Love Song (Huge Erection)
Hey there cutie at the bar
Would you like to dance with me?
I've been known to cut a rug from time to time
But I think you'll find through the bump and grind
I will remain a gentleman
With the exception of one tiny thing
Well in this case not such a tiny thing
But I'd appreciate if you'd do me just one little favor

Please ignore my massive erection
It's not an accurate reflection of the respect I have for you
I'll give you love without reservation
Give my life without hesitation
If you ignore my massive erection
I am a softy with a stiffy
But I would never treat you wrong or make you cry
I can't hide this huge erection
But my heart is also big and I'm not afraid to cry
And I'm everything you wanted in a guy
Excluding the huge erection

I know some other guys aren’t pitching tents but even so
They’re chauvinistic pigs
That’s not how I operate but my penis won’t cooperate
Or listen to my brain when it explains that you’re a classy lady
And I only hold the highest praise for the fairer gender
Look me in the eyes and pay no mind to my encroaching member

Please ignore my massive erection
It's not an accurate reflection of the respect I have for you
I'll give you love without reservation
Give my life without hesitation
If you ignore my massive erection
I am a softy with a stiffy
But I would never treat you wrong or make you cry
I can't hide this huge erection
But my heart is also big and I'm not afraid to cry
And I'm everything you wanted in a guy

I am his penis
And I don’t wanna hear about your day
I just want to grind against your jeans
And gyrate to the sounds of Marvin Gay

Huge erection…
Track Name: Soup Beans and Cornbread
School really sucks
My best friend Carl crapped his pants again
And that bully Todd is such a jerk
Needless to say I've had a rough day
All I wanna do is go back home And eat some tasty tacos
But my mom won't let me

Oh no, mom and dad made soup beans and cornbread
And it's so unfair cause we never get tacos
And you know if I was all grown up I could do and say and eat what I wanted
And I would never have to eat soup beans and cornbread

Why would anyone Make bread out of corn?
And who likes bean soup?
Only communists and mom and dad
I don't see why we can't have tacos
We have everything we need to make
Sweet meaty, cheesy, tasty, ooey, gooey tacos

Oh no, mom and dad made soup beans and cornbread
And it's so unfair cause we never get tacos
And you know if I was all grown up I could do and say and eat what I wanted
And I would never have to eat soup beans and cornbread

Clean my room up. Put my clothes in the hamper now So please can we have tacos?
Do my homework and be nice to my brother now So please can we have tacos?
Be a good boy. Feed the dog.
Mow the lawn and go to Sunday school.
Learn all about magic animals
And fake a smile for the tacos that await me

Sit your ass back down
Wipe that smile off your face
Your eating habits are a disgrace
And you better clean your plate
For this is how Americans eat
And you need to understand if out plan is to succeed
Of course we make bread out of corn
We make everything from corn
And we have since before you were born
So eat your brown and your green thing
And everything between before you ruin everything With your Mexican cuisine

Oh no, mom and dad made soup beans and cornbread
And it's so unfair cause we never get tacos
And you know if I was all grown up I could do and say and eat what I wanted
And I would never have to eat soup beans and cornbread
Oh no, mom and dad made soup beans and cornbread
And it's so unfair cause we never get tacos
And you know if I was all grown up I could do and say and eat what I wanted
And I would never have to eat soup beans and cornbread
Track Name: I Can't Be Your Friend Anymore
It's funny how it all works out
One day your friends the next your not
I'd give my money
For just one more day
Throwing baseball at the park with you
But I can't unsee all that I saw

I accidentally saw your penis
Now I can't be your friend anymore
You and I been all around
We've had out share of ups and downs
But there's one thing I can't handle
I accidentally saw your penis in the bathroom of a Chili's
Now I can't be your friend anymore

I'm sorry how it all worked out
You deserve better than to be
Left out in the cold
And I hate for it to end this way
But the image of your twisted wang is burned inside my brain

I accidentally saw your penis
Now I can't be your friend anymore
You and I been all around
We've had out share of ups and downs
But there's one thing I can't handle
I accidentally saw your penis in the bathroom of a Chili's
Now I can't be your friend anymore